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This here is Sage, reporting to you from Regimental HQ
Capn, I been taking them diction lessons like you said, but I cain't reckon why I got to. You said you couldn't always understand my reports, but beggin the Capn's pardon, are you sure you ain't the only one? I know you said that my men couldn't figure my orders, but they always jumped when I hollered a little louder. Anyhow, them lessons have one good thing. That language teacher sure is purdy..uh pretty. Cept she's a vegetarian. Hell, I even tried making talk. I said, "If'n I go out and shoot us a couple carrots, would you cook ‘em for me?" I swear I cain't figger vegetarians. You know what she says? She just bats them long eyelashes and says kinda innocent like, "Why Sage, can't you thing of any other way to prove your manhood?" What's a feller to do? Anyhow, she says that most people should be able to get my meaning now. Ceptin sometimes I slip a little when I get all riled up.
As well you know, the Colonel's orders say to stay on the trail of the Secret Super Stealth Bullets–the ones that can kick up dirt to all sides of a target, as well as in front, and even ring steel in the target next to the one you're shooting. Anyhow, that clue we found in Afgannystan seems to point to the Chinese Commies. Colonel's orders say for me to draft the mission since the last one was successful. I couldn't quite figure the last part. He said, "Sage, as long as God sees fit to work his mysterious ways with you, who am I to stand in the way."
The first thing I did was gather the boys together so that we could figger out what we know about them Chinese peoples. This is what we come up with.
1) There's a lot of em.
2) They're Commies.
3) They got this wall what you can drive on, but they won't let ya.
4) They eat everything on rice and drink tea out of them little cups with no handles.
5) They eat with them sticks.
6) They like to parade around with dragons and firecrakers.
7) They don't fight fair. They make oooeeeaaahhh noises and use Kung Fu.
8) You don't hear their voices at the same time as their lips move.
9) Jackie Chan fights purdy good with that ladder.
10) They're mostly vegetarian.
11) They put their food in them little paper box buckets.
12) If someone yells "Fire!" you gotta get out of your car, run round it a coupla times, and then get back in a different door than you got out of.
13) China's the onliest place you can get Horny Goat Weed.
Capn, I been thinkin on something that's a bit worrysome. If I caint buy that Norinco Shotgun cause it's a Commie gun and the profit that they make goes and buys helicopters and submarines and bullets that might be fired upon our American boys, and I bought me a ‘97 for a lot more money than that Commie gun, does that mean that I cain't use Horny Goat Weed. I mean, I like shootin guns and all, and I don't put much nevermind on all those liberals that say that people that shoot guns are just makin up for the fact that they ain't got no lead in their pencil, but that's what we're talkin about here. I mean puttin lead in your pencil. I know I can take Viagra–that stuff puts lead in your pencil–but it costs a whole lotta money and ya get the runs and it burns when ya gotta go.
Trouble is that if'n I buy American, I can only afford to get my soldier ta stand at attention bout five times a month. But with that Horny Goat Weed, the little feller is parading around everyday. It does have one side effect though. It changes women. It makes not-so-purdy women purdy. Then they get not-so-purdy again. That only lasts fur a couple hours and they start gettin purdy agin.
But Capn, I'm proud ta be American, an I like ta buy American, but I also like my little soldier and you always said that good commanders should always try to keep their soldiers happy. So what I want to know is can I use Horny Goat Weed and still be a good American? I hate to think that I'd have to choose between bein American and puttin lead in my pencil.
This here is Sage, reporting to you from Regimental HQ
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