Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
SASS Life
NRA Life
SBSS #47
Regimental Baluey Pilot
Jefferson State Regulators #152
BOLD #127
See Sweetwater's
Baluey UB-1
| Dear Mama Sage,
I am lookin' for a "Real Man" scented deodorant, as my bunkhouse pards have been eye'in me susspichussly when I use most commershul potions such as "Old Mice", "Brutt 666" and "Flower Fart #4". Would you rekkymend anythin' in partkaler to make me smell like a "man among men"? I have heard tell of "Ol' Ballistol" but prefer a roll-on to a spray. Ankshussly awaitin yore re-ply.
Yers, Sweetwater Jack
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Dear Mama Sage!
Pleeze reply! Ah'm gettin' despurt! Tryed scrapin' the renmants of the "Flower Fart #4" deodorant off'n muh armpits and other bodily partz but tuh NO avale! Some a' muh bunkhouse pards'r a'startin' ta send me flowerz n' stuff (specially the NEW guy from San Francisky) Halp!!!!!
SJ
|
Mama Sage
Mama Sage's BP Boutique
Designer Products for Today's Cowboys
Ask Mama Sage
| Mr Sweetwater Jack,
Sweety, I cans reckin the troubles ya bin havin. Its jes too bad that Mama Sage Industries has no plans in the mediate tomorras ta brew up any prefumes, no ev'n the manly sort.
But I still thins I kin help ya with yur problem. Ya jes need sum of ma world famous three bean soup.
Ya jes take a bunch pintos, red kidneys an lentils an dump em in ta a big ol kettl a boilin water. Than ya drop in a hole onion an a hole garlic. Put in as much chili powder as ya like ta taste.
After bout 2 ours a boilin put in sum brocolli and caultiflowers all cut up. When they's soft its done.
Eat up a coupl bowl of thes hyar soup bout an our befor a shoot and believe you me, they wont razz ya bout yur prefume na more.
An itll keep them sidesaddlers at a spectible distance aswell.
Mama Sage
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Dear Mama Sage,
Yore short-term slution fur mah problem worked like a charm! The 3-bean soup created a greenish cloud 'bout the same density and color of yore "Piney Woods" BP loads with a mite less noise, but not near the same smell.
Onliest trubble was a'eatin' enuff to keep the cloud a'goin'. Put on ate pounds!
Thank the good Lord yer package come by express rider this mornin:
Thank ya eversomuch fer the quick shipment of "BullTestes #2". And in ROLL-ON form ta' boot! Ah smell MUCH more manly an' rugged now! The cute lil' leather? sack the 2 round roll-ons come in is right handy, also.
(Thet pesky San Francisky feller wearin the lavender chaps ain't comin' anywheres NEAR me NOW!!)
Ah remains yore faithful con-sumer,
Sweetwater(Not very) Jack
(Write me fer testicalmonials about ALL these fine products!!!)
|
Sage
Stand back!
I'm burnin' daylight.
SASS #32207
SBSS #555
SBSS Air Cav
Commander of the Special Air Operations Squadron
See Sage's Balhawk UB-1-2
| Mama. Mama ya seen my Bull Testes #2. I caint fine it an I gots ta go onna mission. It twas rat hyar hind the mirrer. Mama, I gots ta fine it.
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| (GRIN!) Heh, heh, heh!
|
Mama Sage
Mama Sage's BP Boutique
Designer Products for Today's Cowboys
Ask Mama Sage
| Sage, Jes stop yer whinin an go milk the bull agin.
|
Deadeye Dirk
Shootin' Slow
Missin' Often
| Milk the Bull--That's discusting.
Not to mention dangerous.
|
Tony Tinhorn
Well, Kin ya shoot?
Yes Father, proficiently.
| Deadeye,
I guess that would depend on the bull (and Sage's technique.)
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Dear Mama Sage'
Ah am returnin the one (1) EA set o' "Mama Sage's Electrical Underwear". Thar appears ta be a minor SHORT in 'em. Never knowed I KNEW so many complicated dance steps 'til my pards unplugged me at our last shoot.
Ah AM, tho, keepin' the FREE "Mama Sages Gasoline Powered Hand Warmer" what come with the underwares, as ah am SURE mah mistake was in overfillin' the fuel tank, resultin' in "spillage" what done IG-nited muh pocket and caused muh spare rounds of .44-40 to cook off when I lit 'er off! Muh pards beat out the flames in muh jacket with a shovel and the damage wuz miner.
Yer Pal,
Sweetwater(Flamin')Jack
|
Mama Sage
Mama Sage's BP Boutique
Designer Products for Today's Cowboys
Ask Mama Sage
| Sweetwater,
I's sorry ta hear yur problem witt the electrical underwhars. We jes done had the wors luck with em. Ya musta got the new model II. The model I hat the darndest time short'n out an causin a long painful moviement of a different nature then the dancin ya done. Pokes thet done used the Model I werent too popular witt thar pards.
Now thar be two troubles witt the Model II thet can cause a short. First is iffn the circuits come in contact witt uric acid. Number 2, ya kin cause a short iffn ya put one of the 12 batteries in the wrong way. The xtree amps burns out onna them diodes and sends a high voltage spark ta the end of yur...nevermind. It's all right there in the warning paper thet we got setting stacked in sealed boxes rat hyar on the wharehouse floor.
Like all Mama Sage products, thar is a 100% guarantee. Ya kin either git yur money back or we kin send ya one of them model I's we got settin hyar.
PS Sage is still a fumin bout his Bull Testes II. He says the Bull Testes III jes don't smell the same. Musta been sumthing the bull et.)
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Sage,
AH hopes ta' all that's Holy, ya' NEVER gits the THERAPY! It'd be a MAJOR loss to the (Sweeps hat from head and goes to one knee) SBSS! ....an' CAS in genrul!
Yore Pal, (And tell Mama THANKEE fer the Bull Testes #2)
Sweetwater jack
|
Sage
Stand back!
I'm burnin' daylight.
| You....thet....my Bull....Mama!
Auugghhhhh!
|
Mama Sage
Mama Sage's BP Boutique
Designer Products for Today's Cowboys
Ask Mama Sage
| Dag nabbit Sweetwat'r,
Now ya gone an dun it. Ya had ta tell ol Sage thet I give ya his Bull Testes #2. Now hes out feedin the bull all kinds o thins an a milkin im ta get the smeel jes rat. Feedin an a milkin. Feedin an a milkin. Dab blammed bull is durn near worthless. Caint use im fur stud. Heck the ol brute kin barly walk.
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Dear Mama Sage,
As you'll ree-call, I had to re-order more uv yore wunderful "Bull Testes II" deodorant, aftershave and golfer's ball-wash as mah furst supply was loant ta' mah cuzzin Ellroy (the SHEEPherder??)an' he never brot it bak. (Ellroy had, as you'll recommember, found his "Spechul Love", and was a'tryin' to A-tract her with his manly scent.) Ah only hopes THIS time his true love on'y has TWO legs. Ellroy, bein' the "Black SHEEP" o' the fambly, ah gess I shudda 'spected ah'd never see mah Bull Testes II agin.
Anyways, muh problim is this:
When muh ree-placement order o' "Bull Testes II" come by express rider ah was OVER-joyed! As ah was a'startin' at tearin' open the packidge, ah noticed t'were a leetle TORN on one edge, and sommit "tampered with" lookin. Now the EX-press rider claimed he got it thataways an' he hadn't messed with it. When ah OPENED 'er, the aroma that filled all mah SENSES was kinda "polecat-ish". In fack, the scent was closer ta' SKUNK than BULL, an' AH KNOWS THE DIFFERUNCE!!
Now, ah'm sure YOU done shipped me the "RATT Stuff", but since SAGE is occashunly workin' in the SHIPPIN' DEPARTMINT, an ah KNOWS he's still a lil' MIFFED about his ORIGINIL bottle o' Bull Testes II a'goin' missin, an all, well....................?
Yer stanch supporter an' REE-pete customer:
Sweetwater Jack
|
Mama Sage
Mama Sage's BP Boutique
Designer Products for Today's Cowboys
Ask Mama Sage
| SAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEE! Sage get yur bony butt in hyar. Ya gots sum splainin ta do. Didja send Sweetwater the xperimental Skunk-B-Gone?
|
Sage
Stand back!
I'm burnin' daylight.
| Ya mean thet mix of femal Pole-Cat and fermones. Is thet where I got to. I declare Mama, I twas wonderin whythe bottle looked kinda empty.
I sure do hope 'e dint open it. Ever' male skunk within' 50 mil' gonna come a callin.
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Dear Mama Sage,
Since openin' the pee-culiar-smellin' bottle of replacement "Bull Testes II", mah spread has becum over-run with skonks. Most seem ta' be male, wif the exception o' a couple or so what LOOKS ta' be fee-male, but has short hair and comes a'runnin' when ya calls 'em "Butch". Ah'm BEGINNIN' ta' git used ta the aroma o' all them critters, and have larn't NOT ta' STARTLE em' in enny way!
Now, as ta' mah PROBLEM:
Mah ranch, as ya recall, has never been named an ah was wonderin iff'n YOU cud come up with a reel good name fer mah spread. Ah've had suggestions o' "Polecat Acres", but that don't sound "classy"
Ankshussly awaitin' yur ADvice,
Sweetwater Jack
|
Mama Sage
Mama Sage's BP Boutique
Designer Products for Today's Cowboys
Ask Mama Sage
| Paradise Le' Pew
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Ah have had ONE suggestion thet ah had, fer certain reesons, ta' ree-ject: The "PHEW BAR D (Think about it) Puttin' the "BAR D" on the brandin' iron was no problem, t'was the "PHEW" part we cuddn't come up with a symbol fer!
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Dear Mama Sage,
Due to unexpected circumcisions, ah have had ta go with: "Phew-Bar-D" after all. When ah opened the winder-shade this mornin' all ah cud see fer hunerts an hunerts o yards was a, undulatin' wavin, mass o black 'n' white CRITTERS! They was skunks by the thousints! Steppin' out on the porch, an being verry careful NOT ta STARTLE 'em (ya knows whut happins when ya startle a polecat!!, ya kin only IMAGINE whut happins when ya startle THOUSINTS of 'em) ah looked out ta see whut they was a'doin'. THEY WAS A'PARTYIN' and A'FORNU-CATIN'!!! Come SPRING ah'm gonna have HUNNERTS a' THOUSINTS a SKUNKS on mah spread!
Now ta' mah qwestshun:
How do ya' see the ladies garment market on skunk-fur coats? (O'course, ah'd prolly have ta call 'em sumpin lak "FAUX ZEBRA" or sumpin'.)
Yers ankshussly,
Sweetwater Jack.
|
| Now's the time to read the Skunk Begone promotional materials. Don't worry, there's a Link to bring you back to this point tin the story.
Mama Sage's Skunk Be Gone
|
Mama Sage
Mama Sage's BP Boutique
Designer Products for Today's Cowboys
Ask Mama Sage
| Sweetwater thin' ya done put thet Skunk Be Gone an Skunk Amore in his Bull Testes II a purpose.
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| AHA! SAGE!!!! Iff'n ya wants ta see whut happint when ah opened up whut ah THOT was mah REE-placemint "Bull Testes II" bottle, jis mosey on over ta mah spread! This verry mornin' ah opened the cloth winder covers and lo an' beehold, thar's abowt twenny akers o' black 'n' white critters 'a rollin' aroun' an' gettin PERSONAL with each other!!
Thar weren't NO callin' ta' tamper with mah "Bull Testes II"! Now ah gotta rename mah spread the "Phew-Bar-D".
SJ
|
Mama Sage
Mama Sage's BP Boutique
Designer Products for Today's Cowboys
Ask Mama Sage
| Afta a long talk with ol Sage, I learnt thet he has dun figgered a solution to yur problem. I think he writ ya onna wire.
I think thet his solution is bettern skunk farmin--leastwise frum a soshul poin' a view. Is best ta washer hans of it ta my way o thinkin.
|
Sage
Stand back!
I'm burnin' daylight.
| Sweetwater,
Much as I wood like ta admit ta tamperin which yer Bull Testes II, an tell ya bout the money back uncondishunl guarantee, I hates ta see a feller Baluey pilot in such a mess.
Now a game warden in our area done told me thet ya kin make a poshunt the skunks jes hate. Iffn ya spray it roun whar the skunks is at, they mosey on off. It's made mosly a human urine an ammonia, so I took the liberty of gitten the pards at the Do Drop Inn ta help out an we sent a truck full ta ya.
I also dun got some crop dustin quipment thet would fit a baluey. Them FBI fellers follered me all day yesterday an when they saw me a dumpin all thet p*** in ta the truck they come a whoopin an blinkin with all their lights. But I splained bout the Bull Testes II an the skunks an after they stopped a laughin, they let me go.
So be 'spectin a coupla big ol trucks in the next day or so. I'd suggest thet ya spray it all ov'r yur house an land an the neighbor folks aswell.
Sorry for the mix-up.
Innocently yurs,
Sage
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Dear Mama Sage,
Yore boy Sage's 2 trucks arrived at mah spread in the dead o' nite an' scared the bejabbers outta' mah "party'in polecats" with their hootin an' a'hollerin' and big deesil honkin'(the trucks). Iff'n yew h'aint had two thousint skonks git startled whilst yer a'standin' in the middle of 'em, yew have no IDEE whut it smells like!!!
Them Duce-anna-half drivers skedaddled backerds fer plumb unta THREE MILE! BACKERDS!! So, anyways, it looks lak I'm in thu Stripey-fur Coat business fer fair! Finally wurked out mah brandin-iron problim with a iron-monger an' we dee-cided the "Phew-Bar-D" brand'ed look like this: (PU-D) Now ta mah NEW problum:
1. How do ah BRAND mah herd? 'Cause if ya thinks ya gets a olfactory response when ya STARTLES one o' them critters, try BRANDIN' it! Yew have NO IDEE!!!!!
2. Do ya' think it'd be "Un-Cowboy" of me ta' become a "absentee landlord" in this business and hire some "illegals with no sense o' smell" ta run the business fer a small cut?
Awatin yer sage response,
Sweetwater Jack
PS: Pleez tell Sage thet ah shore would lak to take him DEER HUNTIN' with me at the neerest oppertunity!
Sweetwater(Hopin' ya' ain't too fond o' him)Jack
PPS: Those trucks shud outta be back ta' Sage Industries about daybreak. Shore hope ya' gots a BOAT some'eres aroun.
Yer valooed consoomer,
Sweetwater Jack
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Sage:
Both a'them 6x6 trucks done showed up at mah spread. Thankee kindly fer the thought an' preparation. Howsomever, the two trucks done showed up at 0330 and STARTLED about 5, 6 hunderd o' the skonks with the AIR brakes an' the DEESIL HORNS an' such. There was a immeditte response frum mah "Herd". Panic spread! Ah have now found out what startlin' 3,782 skonks (counted 'em yesterday), will create. Whoooiieee!!! Them truckers done backed up faster'n anythin you ever SEED! Last I looked they was STILL a'backin' up, an' they was three mile away from mah place!
Therefour, it looks like the Phew-Bar-D Skonk Ranch is here ta' stay. Got the brand finally figgered out. It'll look somepin like this: PU-D
PS: Ah think them truckers'r a'headed back ta yore place ta unload their "product".
Good Luk,
Sweetwater Jack
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Dear Sage,
Talked ta' yore mama this evenin' about takin ya DEER HUNTIN' with me an' she seems OK wif it!
PPS: Iff'n ya' REELY din't send me that skonk-oil on purpuss, never mind the deer hunt.
|
Sgt. Drydock
Limber up!
SASS #1248L
SBSS #37
First Sargent
Howitzer Battery
| Wal, I reckon we can roll the regiment-tal Stearman outer the barn an hook up some dustin' 'quipment ta it. Soons we get them Marlin MGs offinn the cowlin' it Oughter work real nice, it bein called a "Yaller peril" and all. . .
|
Sage
Stand back!
I'm burnin' daylight.
| Sweetwater,
How much didja pay them truckers? The crop dustin quipment showed at Mama Sage Industry jes as right a rain, but when I gots home yesterday I had ta don my hip waders an slosh thru a big ol yeller puddle ta git ta my house.
I done cald the fire department an they woodt have none of it. An jes a little while go bunch a HazMat trucks showed up an them fellers are all a bitchin an a moanin thet theys not paid enough fer thes. Now thes news copters a circlin so iffn yur watchin the TV thets me a wavin with mosta my hand.
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| He, he, he!
|
Sgt. Drydock
Limber up!
| Lessee har, pump this thang har a few times, numbar 1 magneetoe ta "on". Lessee, iffin one is good, 2 is better racht? "on" Now ah gotta do some yellin "GIT YER SORRY SELVES AWAY FRUM THA RACHT! Y'ALL MOVE YER BUTS OFFIN FRUM THA LEFT. SAGE! GET THE HECK AWAY FRUM THAT THERE PRO-PELL-LOR!" Now git that inertial thingy a spinin' "CONTAK!"
CLUNK whine whine whiine whiiine pucka *POP* pucka pucka *POP* pucka *BANG BANG POP* rumble pucka *POP* rumble rumble rumble rumble. . .Ah jist love them round injuns. "PULL THEM SPLIT WOOD CHUNKS OUTER FRUM TH' WHEELS!"
Offin' we goes, inta the wild stinky yonder. . .
|
Tony Tinhorn
Well, Kin ya shoot?
Yes Father, proficiently.
| Sage and Sweetwater,
On behalf of the entire membership of SASS, we have organized a special invitation only CAS event in desert 40 NE of Yuma Arizona. It
has been aptly named Shootout at Stinkbug Rock.
Did I mention that only you two are invited? Seems no one wants to be within 50 miles of either of you aromatic cowboys.
|
Sage
Stand back!
I'm burnin' daylight.
| Sgt. Drydock,
Thanks fer all yur doin ta help smooth thangs out. Tony Tinhorns got it rat. This is jes gittin outta hand.
I tried ta report fer dudy thes morn an was met at the gate by the SBSS MPs an given a 2 week pass signed by the Coronel hisself. Than I goes ta work ta fine out thet I's on vacation.
So iffn ya could see it kindly, ya think thet ya could maybe sugges ta Sweetwater thet I mite possbly be ready ta smoke the peace pipe?
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Sage,
Peace-pipe? Sounds good ta' me, ol' buddy.
By the by, you intersted in buyin in onta a
slightly used skonk ranch? Ah needs a feller aviateer's teknickal ADvice on brandin' and skinnin. Had ta' let mah illegal alliens (sorry, "undocumented workers") go as they wanted too much in wages. Don't know how them grape an' lettuce growers do it. Them Canadians jist ain't that cheep to EM-ploy!
Hey! Sgt. Drydock!
Never mind the "accidental" bombin' mission! Sage and I'se done made up! Yeah, ya still get the twenny bucks, anyways. By the way, does ya know "Biplane Betty" the "Stearman Pilot's Friend" at the old Cottontail Ranch? (She was only an aircraft mechanic's daughter, but all of the "Stearmen Knewer") Sorry.
|
Sage
Stand back!
I'm burnin' daylight.
| Sweetwater,
I gots 3 questuns fer ya.
1) Kin ya fit 3782 skunks in C130 (an kin Drydock git us one)?
2) How much da skunk parchutes cost?
3.) How fur down a Towelybun hole kin a smart bomb getta mixed case a Mama Sage's Skunk Be Gone?
|
Sgt. Drydock
Limber up!
| Wall, thets good ta know thar Sweatwater, ya know thars a heckuva updraft over yer place racht now.
I reckon MAC could shake loose a Herky bird fer sich an impotent mission, Gittin' a pilot ta sit in that plane fer that long mite be a problem though. . .
|
Sage
Stand back!
I'm burnin' daylight.
| Sgt. Drydock,
I guess I'll voluntir ta fly the mission, iffn Sweetwater rides shotgun an tells them skunks whan ta jump.
Caint be too much differnt then a new fangled Balhawk. Which one a these gizmos releases the hot gasses? How ya git thes winder open iffn I needs air?
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Sage! Hol'er steady! Ah'm havin' a reel time ov it back here! Hooked up the furst hunnert skonks wif their static lines an' heaved 'em out the jump door afore ah ree-lized they wa'nt hevy enuff ta break the knot an' pop the chute! We gots a hunnert o' them critters a'swingin' an' a'swayin' in the slipstream and frum the looka it, the ones that ain't airsick'r gettin' plumb PEEVED! Three-four of 'em are a'crawlin, hand-over-hand, back up their static lines and ah DON'T like the look in their EYES! I thin ah'd better start a'cuttin them static lines loose! Lent me yer Barlow Knife
|
Sage
Stand back!
I'm burnin' daylight.
| Yeeehaaaaaaawwwwwww!!!!!!Thet was fun.
I leave the door open fur a while. Ya kin spell me whilst I hose down the bay with termater juice
|
Sweetwater Jack
"I fear the Dark Side is STRONG in this one..."
| Sage, ya remember how pi**ed the Colonel was at me when ah got Baluey #422 all riddled up over th' Tijuana jail 'at time?!!
An' ya remember the time we wound up face-down on the RAMP fer hours with Aer Poleece pistols at are heads when we fergot ta call the tower when we landed durin' a' O.R.I.?
Wull, ah thin t'aint gonna be NOTHIN compaired tuh whut he's a'gonna do ta us when he smells the back a this here C-130 Hercky!!
|
Usama bin Laden
Al Qaeda Network
Underground Hideyhole
| Dear Mama Sage,
Last night many many black and white furry creatures fell from the sky.
Ran into hideyhole very fast.
Did unthinkable things to each other.
We shoot them, they make big stink.
We kick them, they make big stink.
We say "Sho Sho, Nice furry creatures," they make big stink.
Big stink, very very bad.
We want furry creatures go away very fast.
We want big stink go away very fast.
How to make furry creatures go away?
Thank you very much,
Usama bin Ladin
|
Mama Sage
Mama Sage's BP Boutique
Designer Products for Today's Cowboys
Ask Mama Sage
|
Hyar in America we done got freedom an free enterprize. Why a woman like myownself can start a bizness an make jes such a product thet you might need called Mama Sage's Skunk Be Gone.
Then ya could jes log on ta Mama Sage's BP Boutique use yur American Express an git some sent straight ta yer hideyhole.
But ya don' live in America do ya? An America's got economic sanshuns aginst hideyholes, so I caint ship ya none.
Life as an outlaws a bitch, aint it?,
|
Usama bin Laden
Al Qaeda Network
Underground Hideyhole
| You hard woman Mama Sage!
|
|
|
|
|
