Cowboy Jokes

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Joke Selection

Tennessee Hoss, Mine is Bigger

Southwest Sam, Star Gazing

Tom Foolery, Dear Huntin

Deadeye Dirk, Cowboy to the Rescue

Deadeye Dirk, The Eastern Woman

Sage, The Catholic Horse

Deadeye Dirk, Indian Scout

Deadeye Dirk, A Matter of Logic

Deadeye Dirk, Where You From?

Deadeye Dirk, Canoe Hide

Sage, The Ventriloquist Cowboy

Pulp, The Cowboy and the Num

Sage, Goin to Heaven

Stoneburner, Bar Flies

Jack Whitesides, The Cheap Horse

IronEyesWally, The Talking Horse

Deadeye Dirk, Made of Paper

Deadeye Dirk, The Newly Wed

Deadeye Dirk, WO WO Cave

Deadeye Dirk, Those Cowboy Jokesters

Sage, An One Fer Me Bruther

Sage, The Real Cowboy

Sage, When Indians Ran Things

Papa Tinhorn, Deadly Rattlesnake Bite

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Mine is Bigger
A modern day Texan and an Alaskan cowboy were drinking at the saloon last week. They got into the standard argument about where things were bigger and better, Alaska or Texas.

The Alaskan claimed he had one of the biggest spreads in Alaska. The Texan claimed that he also had a piece of land. The Alaskan said he would bet him $1,000 that his ranch in Alaska was more valuable.

The Alaskan said – partner, I have a spread so big that you can look from the top of one mountain clear across the valley to the top of the other mountain and everything you see will be on my ranch. Land up there is still purty inexpensive but I rekon with the log cabin and the stock that place is worth well over a million dollars.

The Texan said – well the problem with my place is that people keep moving in on it and building things. It’s got pretty crowded down there in some parts of Texas. I like the sound of your spread up in Alaska.

The Alaskan said – Yep! I like the wilderness too, my spread is about 500 miles from the nearest town. Say Tex, where did you say your spread was.

The Texas said “well my land it runs from 100 Main Street to just about 3500 Mockingbird Lane, in Dallas.

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Star Gazing
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their tent and then go to sleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend, "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars".

"What does this tell you?' asks the Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, It appears to be a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi???"

The Lone Ranger looked at Tonto quizzically, then spoke, "Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

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Deer Huntin
Two cowboys were out huntin deer. (I heard they were from Arkansas, but that doesn't matter) They shot a nice buck with a large rack. After dragging the buck for several minutes through the brush and the rack snagging on everything, one of the cowboys said, "It might go easier if we dragged this buck by the rack."

After 10 minutes of dragging the buck by the rack, the second cowboy said, "This is working great, but we're gettin farther from camp."

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Cowboy to the Rescue
Two Cowboys from Texas were sitting at a diner, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a piece of chicken. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of chicken and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

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The Eastern Woman
The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?"

"Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?"

"What's the difference?" asked the lady.

"The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy.

"If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

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The Catholic Horse
Desperado was running from the posse after robbing the bank. Running hard the horse's heart gave out and the desperado goes flying ass over tea kettle into the desert sand. Thinking he was done for he looks up and sees a mission. He grabs the money in his saddle bags and runs for the mission.

"Padre, I need to buy a fast horse muy pronto. I'll pay any price."

"Well my son, we have only one horse and its a Catholic horse."

"If it's got four legs and can run, I'll take it."

The desperado throws on the saddle, jumps on and rakes his spurs. Nothing. Rakes his spurs again. Nothing.

The padre says, "It's a Catholic horse, to make him go you have to say 'Jesus Christ'"

"Jesus Christ, Varmit." And he is off.

The padre yells out. "To make him stop say 'Amen'."

Well the Catholic horse was a good one and could run with the wind. In no time the desoperado was putting miles on the posse. Suddenly, the desperado noticed that he was riding straight at the Pecos River Canyon."

"Whoa!" he yells but the horse is still running like the wind. "WHOA!" he says planting the feet in the stirrups and leaning back as hard as he can. The horse keeps running. "AMEN!"

The horse skids to a stop with all four hooves bunched and the front two half off the edge off the cliff. The desperado leans over the saddle horn and looks down hundreds of feet below the at Pecos splashing through boulders."

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

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The Indian Scout
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

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A Matter of Logic
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's easy. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

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Where you from?
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the Sheriff.

The Sheriff surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right pardner, what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

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Canoe Hide
Once upon a time a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America. They been tied up against their respective totem poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the Englishman, pinched the skin of his upper arm and said, "Hmmm, heap good skin, nice and thick. Will make heap good canoe. You have a last request?"

"That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I'd like that", says the Englishman. He's provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin.

In the morning the Indians dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap good skin, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

"Ah'll huv ma whisky back", says the Scotsman. He's provided with his whisky and taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Scotsman drinks three bottles of whisky. He's already dead when the Indians come to collect him the next morning. They skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap, heap, heap good skin, very, very, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap, heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

"I'd like a fork.", says the Irishman.

The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him the fork. The Irishman takes the fork, stabs himself repeatedly shouting, "Yer no makin' any bloody canoe outta me!"

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The Ventriloquist Cowboy
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good." He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"

Horse: "I'm doing okay."

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking." He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

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The Cowboy and the Nun
A cowboy is on a stage coach, the only other passenger is a nun. They make small talk for awhile, the finally the cowboy says, "Ya know, I've always wondered what it would be like to kiss a nun, would you mind if I gave you a little kiss?"

"Two conditions," replied the nun, "You must be Catholic, and you must be Irish."

"Seamus O'Brian is the name, raised in the church." he says.

The nun leans over and gives him a breath stealin', spit swappin', tonsil lickin' kiss.

When he finally catches his breath, he confesses, "Sister, I'm not really Catholic, and I'm Scottish."

The nun pulls back her habit, says, "That's OK, my name's Frank and I'm on the way to a gay costume party."

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Goin to Heaven
A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those who want to go to heaven, put up your hands!" Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands.... everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the door post at the back of the room.

All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and said, "Preacher, that was too easy. How d'ya know if these folks are serious? I c'n gar-an-tee to prove who really means it an' who don't!"

Bemused and not a little frightenened the preacher said, "Ok, stranger, go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test. Ask them anything you want."

At that the cowpoke pulled his twin six-shooters, turned to the audience and said, "Alright... who wants to go heaven... raise your hands!"

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Bar Flies
An English peddler, a German farmer, and an Irish railroad worker, are sitting together at a saloon drinking beer when three flies land, one in each drink.

The Englishman takes a look, frowns in disgust, and pushes the drink away.

The German pulls out the fly, tosses it away, shrugs, and continues to drink.

The Irishman pulls out the fly, holds it upside down over the glass and begins shaking it violently, yelling "SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!!!"

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The Cheap Horse
Cowboy on the run has his horse shot out from under him. He makes his way to a stable where he finds the only horse for sale is going for a suspiciously cheap price.

"Tell ya what," the horsetrader says. "If he won't go, just send me a tellygram and I'll come take a look at him."

Sure enough, couple miles down the trail, the hoss just stops cold and refuses to budge. The cowpoke climbs the nearest telegraph pole, splices into the wire and sends a message to the salesman, who shows up a while later with a large carpetbag.

He examines the horse all over, feeling its belly and looking under the tail. Then he goes to the bag and pulls out a large mallet. He proceeds to give the horse a huge wallop amidships, and the poor beast breaks wind so hard the telegraph pole is swaying.

"Just what I thought," said the horsetrader. "Vapor lock."

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The Talking Horse
An Easterner was visiting a cowboy on his ranch out west. The cowboy told the Easterner that he had a talking horse of which the Easterner didn't believe. The cowboy said "I'll prove it. Ask my dog if he wants some dog food."

The Easterner did and the dog just looked at him and was silent.

"Now ask my cat if it wants some milk."

The Eastener did and the cat just laid there silent.

" Now ask my horse if he wants some oats."

The Easterner did and the horse lifted it's tail and said, " a feeeeewwwwww!!!"

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Made of Paper
A cowboy rode into town. The sheriff said, "Hey, pardner, your hat's made of paper."

"Yep," said the cowboy, "and so's my shirt, my vest, my chaps, my pants, and even my boots and spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on my horse is made of paper. Guess that's why folks call me The Paper Cowboy."

A few weeks later, another cowboy comes into town.

The sheriff says, "We had The Paper Cowboy here a few weeks back - ever hear of him?"

"Yep," says the second cowboy, "I hear he was hanged down in Texas last week."

"What for?" said the sheriff.

"Why for rustling, of course."

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The Newly Wed

A cowboy and his new bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room.

"Congratulations on your wedding!" the clerk says. "Would you like the bridal, then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

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Wo Wo Cave
There were two Indians and a Cowboy walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave.

He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The Cowboy was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.

"No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Cowboy started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.

As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"

Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day in the newspaper the head lines read,

Naked Cowboy Run Over By Train!!

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Those Cowboy Jokesters
A cowboy got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly drunk.

A couple of his pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, then went back in to join the hapless cowboy for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowboy's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the trail, you've got work to do."

"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."

"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this hung over a thousand times."

"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"

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An One Fer Me Bruther
A cowboy walked into a bar in Texas, ordered three mugs of beer and sat in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender approached and told him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'my brothers and one for myself,"

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. He ordered three mugs and drank them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained, "It's just that my wife had us join the Church and I had to quit drinking. ---Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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A Real Cowboy

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," the young woman said.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

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When Indians Ran Things
The old cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."

The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied.

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes.

No debt.

Plenty buffalo

Plenty beaver

Women did the work

Medicine man free

Indian men hunted and fished all the time..."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

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Deadly Rattlesnake Bite
A lady from Boston was crossing the Texas Panhandle on her way to California when she observed a lanky cowboy "riding fence" along the freeway. She stopped, got out of her car and walked over to where the cowboy had stopped just inside the fence.

The cowboy greeted her with a friendly "Howdy, Ma'am" and touched his hat.

The Bostonian lady replied with a "Hi" and then asked the cowboy if he was a Texan.

The cowboy answered with a lengthy, "Yep."

"Is it true," continued the lady, "that everything in Texas is big?"

"Yep, most everything, Ma'am," said the cowboy.

"Then is it true that you have big rattlesnakes here in Texas?" she asked.

"Yep," came the response.

"What do you do if a rattlesnake bites you?" came the next question.

"Wawl," drawled the Texan, "you pull out yore trusty jack knife, cut an 'X" over each of the fangmarks, and suck out the poison."

The lady quickly asked, "What do you do if the snake bites you in the ass?"

"That, Ma'am," replied the cowboy, "is when you find out who yore friends really are."

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