Cowboy Jokes

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Joke Selection

Dag Nerbert, I Wanna see my horse.

Sage, Lone Ranger and Tonto by the Fire

Alpo, Is that your big, white horse?

Judge J.R., Was that black or smokeless?

Texas Tres Equis, This happened to me...

Boris PowClankSki, Different Towns...

Michigan Bar, Buffalo Theory

Canelo Kid , High Noon

News Shooter, Where the sun don't shine

Whiskey Jim Sorrel, A Working Girl with a glass eye

Pulp, The Blacksmith

Spooky Joe, Goin to Australia

Sage, Cowpoke an the Rattler

Sage, Preacherman and the Piano Player

Sage, Rocking on the Porch

Beavis N. Butthead, Cross-eyed Bull

Boris PowClankSki, Snake Bit

Sage, Dance Hall Girl

Bonnie Jean, Third Floor--Cowpoke's for Sale

Badger Mountain Charlie, Hole up in the Barn

Sage, Working the Mine

Boris PowClankSki, Whiner's Lament

Lakota Jack, Tribal Talent

Forty-Rod, Can't Hunt

Sierra Jack Cassidy, Supplies

Sierra Jack Cassidy, Deadly Marksman

Papa Tinhorn, Bacon Tree

Hellraiser, Magic Watch

Crede Kid, Policeman and Dog

Forty Rod, Burnt Toast

Skippack Jack, Go to town

Hellraiser, $5 Witness

Oklahoma Slim, Moses heard this one

Lakota, First Thing I See

Kid Dalton, Didn't Like that at All

Kid Dalton, Like a Joey

Hellraiser, Talking Horse for Sale

Snydly Whiplash, Have You Found Jesus?

Pancho, Cactus Cowboy

Captain A.H.(Hamp)Cox, Cowboy Bravado

Double Dare Kid, Mare Gas

Tennessee Hoss, A Feather Means?

Tres Equis, Woman and the Gypsy

Hellraiser, Wisdom of the Navaho

Rye Miles, Make Horse Laugh

Grimm, Prospector in a Bordello

Kid Dalton, A Texan and His Boots

Papa Tinhorn, The Gunfighter

Stoneburner, Buffalo Come

Tennessee Hoss, A Blonde and the Herd

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One Liners

Poems

Tennessee Hoss, Darksider

I wanna see my horse.

A cowboy gets captured by some indians and they take him back to their camp to see the chief. The chief tells the cowboy "You have three days to live and get one request each day, on third day you will be killed by sundown".

So a couple of the warriors walk up to the cowboy to get his first request. The cowboy says "I wanna see my horse".

The warriors bring his horse, the cowboy walks up whispers something in its ear, smacks it on the hind quarters and the horse takes off. Two hours later the horse comes back with this beautiful naked redhead, the cowboy walks up and helps the lady off the horse and walks into a teepee.

The indians are standing around saying "Typical white man, gonna die in two days and can only think of one thing"

So day two comes around, the warriors again ask the cowboy what his request is. Again, he says "I wanna see my horse"

Again they bring him his horse, he wispers something in its ear and that smacks in on the butt and the horse rides off. Two hours later the horse come back with a beautiful naked brunette. Again, the cowboy walks up, helps the lady off the horse and they go into a teepee. The indians say "Stupid white man, one request left tomorrow then he dies tomorrow evening, and all he can think about is the pleasures of flesh".

So finally the third day comes, the chief walks up and says "This is your final request, you die this evening, now what is it you want?"

The cowboy again asked to see his horse. The warriors walk up to the cowboy with his horse and the cowboy grabs the horse by both ears and shouts,

"I said bring me a POSSE, P-O-S-S-E!!!"

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Lone Ranger and Tonto by the Fire
Don't stare into fire too long Kemosabe, mess up alpha waves.

Whut?

Mess up Alpha Waves.

I declare Tonto sumtimes ya say the durndest thangs!

That Okay, white man understand hundred years or so.

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Is that your big, white horse?
Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town, tie up outside the saloon, go in and order a couple of beers.

As they are sippin' 'em down, this feller runs in, all excited, and yells, "Who's big white horse is that outside?"

LR says, "Mine, why is there some problem?"

Man says, "He's lyin' down in the street, hardly breathin', lookin' plumb pitiful."

They rush outside, and sure enough, there's Silver, plopped in the street, eyes rolled back in his head, tongue hangin' out. They quick go get the town doc, and he examines the horse. His diagnosis? "Heat exhaustion."

Doc says they need to cool him off. "Sure would be nice iffen we had a breeze comin' through, but there ain't no air atall."

LR orders Tonto to run around Silver, fast as he could, to stir up a breeze. Tonto says, "You betchum, Kemo Sabe", and just takes off at top speed, 'round and 'round the great horse Silver. The breeze he stirs up seems to help, the tongue goes back in the horse's mouth, and his eyes come back to normal. Figgerin' there ain't much he could do outside, and his beer gettin' warm inside, LR goes back in the saloon.

About 3 beers later, another feller busts in through the swingin' doors. "Who owns that big white horse outside?" "I do." says LR. "What's the problem now?"

"Nothin' much", says the feller. But you left your Injun running."

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Was that black or smokeless?
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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This happened to me
This happened to me while I was riding a horse the other day.

I was having a great time, the sun was shining in a clear sky. It was great to be outdoors again. Everything was going fine when suddenly the horse just seems to go loco, bucking around like a demon.

I had the reins pulled all the way back and he just kept bouncing around and I had to hold on to the saddlehorn to keep my seat. Then, suddenly, I was thrown off. But my foot gets snagged in the stirrup.

So there I was with my foot up high and the horse bucking and my head and shoulders banging on the ground. I'm trying to get my foot out of the boot but the stirrup is sort of twisted and I'm trapped.

And just about when I'm starting to black out from the pain and I'm thinking "What a way to die." That's when I get rescued.

The Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse.

Anybody got a quarter?

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Different Towns
Three SASS Mounted Riders went ta different matches in differnt cities. When they got home, they got together fer lunch.

First Cowgirl: I went ta San Francisco and saw the straaaaaaaangest thing!

Friends: What? Do tell.

First CG: Well they had boys kissin boys ona street corner. Called em gay!

Friends: My o My!

Second CG: Well, I went ta Los Angeles and encountered somethin similar in a town called "WestWood". They had girls kissin' girls....called em lesbians!

Friends: My o My!

Third CG: Well, I went to N'Oleans, and had a very strange experience. Ya know, they have men down there that'll kiss a woman...well, just about anyplace!

Friends: My o My! And whadda they call them?!

Third CG: Well, I don't rightly know....but, I called him "My precious boy!"

Friends: My ooooooooooo My!

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Buffalo Theory
"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine."

"That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

(from Cheers)

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High Noon
Two cowboys get into a fight in the saloon. They decide to meet on main street at high noon to shoot it out.

As they face each other down, The big ole cowboy looks over the skinny little cowboy. He says "This isn't fair, I'm twice the target you are".

The skinny cowboy thinks about it for a minute. He walks over to the big ole cowboy and with a piece of chalk, draws two vertical marks down the bigger cowboys' vest. Then he says, "OK, anything outside the lines don't count!"

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Where the sun don't shine
On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.

An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

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A Working Girl with a glass eye
Cowboy is in a saloon flirting with a "working gal".

She sneezes and her glass eye pops out. Before it can hit the floor the cowboy catches it and hands it back to her.

"Glass eyes are expensive! Let me buy your drinks tonight as thanks," she offers and he excepts.

As the saloon closes the gal approaches the cowboy.

"You know, you really didn't drink that much. How about coming up to my place for a free poke," she says.

"Wow!" said the cowhand, "Do you treat all the men you meet like this?"

"Of course not!" she replies, "But then you caught my eye."

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The Blacksmith
A blacksmith just takes a horseshoe outta the forge, hammers on it a minute then turns his attention elsewhere. A cowboy walks in and picks up the horseshoe, then immediately lays it back and puts his hand in his pocket.

"Kinda hot, weren't it?" asks the blacksmith.

"Nah," replies the cowboy, "it jist don't take me long to look at horseshoes."

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Goin to Australia
This modern day cowboy just finished watching Quigley Down Under when he rushes upstairs, grabs a suitcase, and starts packing.

His wife, astounded asked: "What are you doing?"

"Going to Australia", he replied. "I heard the women there were so hard up for men that they paid $50 a shot."

His wife immediately grabbed another suitcase and started packing.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Going to Australia: she answered.

"Why, in Heaven's name?" he asked.

"I just have to see how you're going to live on $100 a month." she retorted.

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Cowpoke and the Rattler
A cowpoke was a ridin out in the desert when all a sudden his horse rears an like ta throw him. After a quick spin round and settlin his horse, he glanced upon noticin the biggest danged Rattler he ever done saw. An jes as he was levelin his Remmington, the Rattler commensed ta speakin.

"Wait!" sayed the Rattler. "I am an enchanted rattlesnake and if you spare me I grant you three wishes."

Whal sir, thes ol cowpoke was a bit a philosypher an he figgered what's one more rattler out in the desert.

"I wanna be the richest man in Arizoney."

"That easy" sayed the snake.

"I want to be the mos' ruggedly hansom hombre west of the Pecos with the physique of one of them Greek gods."

"Done."

"An I want sex organs like my horse."

"Are you sure?" asked the Rattler.

"You want I should plug ya?"

"Okay, done."

What thes ol cowpoke was a feeling mighty good. Not more then ha'f a mile he liked upon a dead horse an rider. On the man's shirt was pinned a note. It twas a will leavin the contents of his saddlebags to the finder. Inside were the deeds to a half dozen gold an silver mines and the deeds to a string a whorehouses.

Whal sir thes ol cowpoke jumps ta his horse an gallops full steam ta the water hole. He looks down at his face to see his face. An sure �nuff thar was a hansom devil a starin back. He puffs out his chest an ever las' onna his buttons done popped off. He pulls down his suspenders drops his trousers-

An thets when he recolleced he was a ridin ol Maude.

Ta thes day folks tell of a large hansom cowpoke a roamin the desert, both Remmies drawn a huntin rattlers.

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Preacherman and the Piano Player
Preacherman Bob was a speakin from the pulpit. "It has come ta my attenshun, thet thar has been some sinnin goin on. Thet's right. Some cowpoke has been takin the Lord's name in vane an defilin the good name of a fine man. Somebody's been a callin our piano player a Gawd-danged, mother-lovin polecat."

"Now a want ya all ta search yur souls an ponder a moment. All sins are a forgivin by the Almighty. Now is the time ta fess up an speak yer piece."

"Do ya mean ta tell me thet none a ya all are gonna come clean?"

"Whal not onlies are ya blasphaming in the sight a God, but yer a makin me mad."

Bout thes time ol Sage speaks up. "Reverend, we'd all be overjoyed ta come clean ceptin we caint figure out who called thet Gawd-danged, mother-lovin polecat a piano player."

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Rocking on the Porch
Sage an Mama Sage were a rockin on the porch.

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

"Sage," Rock-creak. "Ya seen yer pa?"

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

"Yep."

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

"Whar's he at?"

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

"Down by the barn.

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

"What's he doin?"

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

"Pa's hung hisself."

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

"Didja cut im down."

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

"Nope."

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

"Why not?"

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

"Twernt ded yet."

Rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak-rock-creak.

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Cross-eyed Bull
A rancher buys a $65,000 polled Hereford breedin' bull.

Every thing is goin' fine during the breedin season until he notices the bull's eyes are crossed. Worried about losing his investment, he calls the vet in. The vet sizes up the situation, pulls a stainless tube out of his bag and sticks it in the bull's posterior. He then tells the rancher to go to the north side of the bull and tell him when the bull's eyes are straight.

After the vet blows a short, quick breath, the rancher yells, "Stop! OK. They're straight". Vet bill: $125.

A few months later, the eyes cross again. Being thrifty, the rancher tells one of his punchers to stand in front of the bull, gets a piece of 1" irrigation pipe and begins tackling the breath procedure himself.

After 20 minutes, the eyes aren't straight and the rancher is hyperventilating. The cowboy asks what's this all about anyways and the rancher explains what the vet did and why.

The cowboy grabs the pipe, turns it around sticks it back in and blows a quick breath. Amazingly, the bull's eyes are square again.

Rancher: "Great job, Luke! But why did you turn the pipe around?"

Cowboy: "Well, you didn't think I'd use the same end you did, didja?"

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Snake Bit
Black Jack Travern 'n Sage are just finishin' up fer the day. Got the herd settled down, horses hobbled and bean's 'n coffee ready fer the evenin'.

Black Jack and Sage hunker down, when alla a sudden, Sage let's out this roarin' beller like a dogie stuck in a mud hole.

Black Jack: Sage! What's wrong?!

Sage: Oooooooooooooooooooowwww! I jest got bit by a rattler in my private parts. Looooooook! They's startin' ta swell up like I got the mumps!

Black Jack sizes up the sitiation, jumps on his horse and sez: Hang on, Sage! I'll be right back!

Black Jack gallops off ta the Doc.

Black Jack: Doc! My buddy got bit by a rattler! Whadda I do?

Doc: Cut an "X" on each fang hole and suck out the poison. If you don't git the poison out quick, it's lights out fer that feller.

Black Jack gallops back at full speed 'n runs ta the fire.

Sage: So whaddid the Doc say? Oooooooooowwww!

Black Jack: Yer gonna die, Sage.

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Dance Hall Girl
Sage was sittin at a table just waitin fer the dancing girls ta start. One dancer dressed in her street get-up walks past, stops and slaps ol Sage cross the chops.

"What was that for?" Sage hadn't done nuthin.

"TO YOUR ROOM!" She says real loud.

"Whut are ya talkin bout�"

She grabs his whiskey and throws it in his face.

"NOT IF YOU WERE THE LAST COWPOKE ON THE PRAIRIE!" She stomps off.

Ol Sage dint know whut ta think. He moved to a table ta the back of the hall an sat in a dark corner hopin no one took a notice. He watched the show, stewin, an thinkin on whut happened.

After the show, the same girl comes ta his table an sits down. "Mister, I come ta pologize. I had some friends sittin near ya, an I just sorta wanted ta impress em a little. I owe ya a drink. What are ya havin."

"FIFTY DOLLARS!" says Sage.

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Third Floor--Cowpokes for Sale
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened at the largest cowboy store in Dallas where a cowgirl could go to choose, from among many men-----a husband.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

A couple of cowgirl friends go to the place to find a man. First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further on up?" Up they go.

Second floor sign: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!? And so again, they go on up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the Fifth floor they go...

The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day."

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Hole Up in the Barn
A cowboy was riding into town when a storm comes up. He sees a ranch house off in the distance and high tails for it. When he gets there the rancher is sitting on the porch in his rocking chair.

Cowboy says, "Looks like a storm a coming. Mind if I put myself and my horse up in the barn for the night?"

The Rancher replies, "Not at all, but you will have to share it with our hired hand Joe."

"Not a problem." says the cowboy. He proceeds to ride over to the barn and unsaddle his horse. Just about then the rain hits hammering the roof like a thousand hammers. Boy that is a dandy he says to Joe. Yep says Joe. With nothing to do they go off to sleep. About midnight the cowboy awakes and finds that his has distress in his lower track and need to releive himself. He doesn't want to go out into the rain so he finds a corner of the barn and lets go. Now there are no corncobs or sears catalogs in the barn so he is sorta stuck. Feeling around in the dark he finds some rags and makes use of them.

The next morning he saddles up and leaves before anyone else is up. He takes care of his business in town and starts back home. Recalling how well he slept he returned to the ranch and asked if he could spend the night again with old Joe.

"Nope," replied the Rancher, "Ol Joe went crazy today. Couldn't figure how he could dirty his pants and it didn't go through his underwear."

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Working the Mine
Ol Sage an Boris were a workin in a mine, diggin and a bustin up shale. Bout thet time the Foreman, Tony Tinhorn, walks by.

"Pick it up, you two." he says. "ya aint gittin paid ta jaw-bone." Tony moves on down the hole.

"I jes don get it." says Boris. "How comes we do all the work an Mr. Tinhorn jes walks around. Yet he get paid three times as much as we do."

"I dunno." says Sage. "I'll go ask him."

"Mr. Tinhorm, me an the boys want to know why is thet we do all the work an you get paid more than us."

"Well, Sage. Thet's cause a stupidity."

"Stupidity, whuts thet?"

"I'll show you." Tony puts his had on the rock wall. "Now Sage, I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can."

"But I don't want to hurt ya�"

"Trust me, Sage. You won't."

So Sage swings as hard as he can at Tony's hand and, of course, Tony pulls it away so that Sage hist the rock. Sage jumps away a howlin an shakin his hand.

"That, Sage, is stupidity."

Sage runs off to tell Boris.

"Boris, it's because of stupidity."

"Stupidity, what do you mean stupidity?"

"I'll show you." Sage proudly puts his hand on his forehead. "Go get that shovel and hit my hand."

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The Whiner's Lament
Verse 1
I try and find a way to make
All our loads and times relate
Without that ever-present hate
But now I know that it's too late.
And -

Chorus
Dressin' up is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.
Verse 2
Through early morning fog I see
Posses and the things to be
The clangs that are withheld from me.
I realize and I can see
That - (Chorus)

Verse 3
The game of CAS is hard to play,
I'm going to lose it anyway.
The losing shot I'll give away,
So this is all I have to say,
That - (Chorus)

Verse 4
The only way they win, is cheat
But I give up before I'm beat
And to another give a seat
For that's the only painless feat. 'Cause: - (Chorus)

Verse 5
The beeper's shriek will pierce our skins,
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in,
The time grows longer, watch it grin.
For: - (Chorus)

Verse 6
A cowboy once requested me
To answer questions that are key,
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied; "Tex, why ask me."
'Cause -

Dressin' in up is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

Words and music by Mike Altman and Johnny Mandel/as attenuated by Boris in shorts, sandals and a dog under the desk

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Tribal Talent
The tribe was very proud of this young man. He was good at everything he did. They decided it would be a shame to waste his talent, so the tribe took up a collection, and sent the young man to a electronics school.

Soon he returned as an electronic engineer. He wanted to show his thanks, and do something for the tribe. So he took a Elk Head that the tribe had had for a very long time, and fastened it to the gate of the reservation. He wired it up so that everytime the gate opened, the head would light up.

The tribe was very pleased.

The young man went down in history as the first to ever wire ahead for a reservation.

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Can't Hunt
Old cowboy used to live up a canyon East of my home spread. Had his family up there wit him for a good number of years. After they moved out I found the old guys diary.

Some entries from just before they left:

Mon. Sep.21: rainin,cant go huntin

Tue. Sep.22: rainin,cant go huntin

Wed. Sep.23: rainin,cant go huntin

Thu. Sep.24: rainin,shot gramma

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Supplies
An old prospector finally hits the mother lode. Arriving at the nearest town, he visits the assayer and discovers his mine contains one of the richest strikes ever. All his life he's worked sun-up to sundown, and now he realizes he never has to work again so he gets the best room at the hotel.

The next day he sets up a table in town and begins to interview workers for his mine. The first feller he interviews is an Irishman who's worked in coal mines all his life. "What is it you do?" he asks.

"I'm a digger" is the reply, "I can dig more rock from the ground than any man ye've ever met!" The Irishman is immediately hired.

The next man is a big German. "What is it you do?"

"I'm a loader, I can load more rock on a vagon den any man you've ever met!" The German is hired.

The next man is a Chinaman. "What is it you do?"

"I work in firework factory, pack fireclackers in boxes alla day!"

The prospector thinks a moment and says "could you be in charge of supplies at the mine?"

The Chinaman smiles and nods his head vigorously and is promptly hired.

A few days later, the prospector decides to leave his plush hotel room, rents a buggy at the livery and drives out to the mine. The Irishman is digging the ore out of the ground at a furious pace. The German is loading wagon after wagon full of the precious ore for it's trip to town. But the Chinaman is nowhere to be seen. The prospector looks everywhere, asks everyone... but no Chinaman. Finally, the prospector walks over near the mine office and leans on an old wagon filled with canvas bags. As he stands there, the bags suddenly move and the Chinaman leaps to his feet from the hiding place and screams at the top of his lungs "SUPPLIES!!!!"

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Deadly Marksman
A notorious gunslinger rides into the peaceful town. As he sits his horse, pondering whether he should immediately start shooting up the town or head for the saloon for a good drunk, the Sheriff appears. The Sheriff looks him over and says "I know who you are, and I figger you're up to no good. But before you start raisin' a ruckus, look around. Ya see all them circles on the buildings and trees?"

The gunslinger looks around. Sure enough, there are small circles everywhere. And in the center of each circle is a small hole, big enough to put your finger in. "That's how I get my shootin' practice" says the Sheriff, I paint those little circles, then I ride through town and shoot at 'em."

The gunslinger swallows hard, realizing he couldn't face a man that could shoot that good. The Sheriff continues, "so if ya wanna go to the saloon for a drink... go ahead, but after a couple drinks you get outa town!" The gunslinger nods, and meekly heads for the saloon. Ordering a shot of redeye, he nervously mentions the S heriff to the bartender, "that's quite a man you got for a Sheriff!"

The bartender looks at the gunslinger and shakes his head. "Naw, the man's a lunatic! He gets drunk and rides through town shootin' holes in everything and raisin' all kinds of hell! Then the next day he walks through town with a bucket of paint and puts a circle around all his bullet holes... he's crazy!!"

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Bacon Tree
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there some place ahead where we can get food?

"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down the other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon!"

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!"

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Magic Watch
A rather confident cowboy walks into the saloon and stands at the bar next to a very attractive saloon gal. He gives her a quick glance, then casually pulls out his pocket watch and looks at it for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Are you expectin' somebody?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this magic pocket watch and I was just testing it out."

The intrigued woman says, "Magic watch? What's so magic about it?"

"Somehow, it sends these signals to my head and tells me things," the cowboy explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any frillies under that dancehall dress..."

The saloon gal giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing frillies!"

The cowboy says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

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Policeman and Dog
A cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following.

He ties his horse and the dog under the shade of a tree and the cowboy goes into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later, a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The cowboy replies that it is his dog.

The policeman says, "Your dog is in heat".

The cowboy answers, "No way the dogs in heat. He's cool, cause he's tied under the shade of the tree".

The policeman says, "No, you don't understand, your dog needs bred".

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "No way the dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning".

The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have sex".

The cowboy looks at him and says smilin' "Go ahead, I always wanted a police dog.

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Burnt Toast
Cowboy walks into the local beanery and asks the waitress for "burnt toast, watery eggs, bacon dang near raw, an' weal, cold coffee."

The girl looks at him all amazed and says "sorry. We don't serve that kind of food here."

"Why not? Ya did yesterday", the guy replies.

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Go to town
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff.... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her...so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy..."

"And, here I am."

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$5 Witness
A cattle rancher of a small Texas ranch returns home a week early from a business trip up in Abilene. It's midnight when he arrives at the train depot and one of his cowhands is waiting with a buckboard to take him home.

While in route to his ranch house, he asked the cowhand if he would be a witness. The rancher suspected his wife was having an affair and intended to catch her in the act. For the promise of $5, and some drinks later at the saloon, the cowhand agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, and after taking their boots off, the husband and cowhand tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband lit a lattern, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife laying in bed with another man.

The husband pulled his sixgun and stuck it to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man owns a very large ranch near here and he has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited all the money. This man paid for those thoroughbred horses I said I bought for you. He paid for all of those brood cattle down on the south range. He paid for that new line shack we built over the hill. He paid for that billiard table in the parlor. He paid for your membership in the Social Club in town and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looks over to the cowhand standing beside him and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The cowhand said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches cold."

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Moses heard this one
It seems that the Lone Ranger and Tonto were just topping a hill when they spied 100 injuns coming from the north. Wheeling around they started to head south, when they spied 100 injuns coming from the south. Well sir they turned to the east, and sure nough they was 100 injuns coming from the east. So's they turn to the west and there they is, a 100 injuns coming from the west. Lone Ranger and Tonto rein in and the Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "It looks like we is in big trouble."

Tonto replies, "What you mean we, Paleface"

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First thing I see
A young Indian man came to his father and asked how the father had chose the names of his children.

The father said, "It was easy. On the next morning after each one was born, I would step from my tepee, and the first thing I would see, that is what I named the new baby. Like your brother. The first thing I saw that morning was a deer running across the meadow. So I named him Running Deer. "When I stepped out the tepee the morning your sister was born, I saw a little fox running across the meadow. So I named her Little Fox.

"Why are you so interested in how you got your name, Dog Lifting Leg?"

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Didn't Like that at all
This Australian rancher is having trouble with armed rustlers so he write the Governor of Texas requesting that he be sent an experienced Ranger of reliability.

The Governor writes back that he�s sending him one of his best Rangers, a man who rode with both Hood and RIP Ford and who had never failed to bring in his man or do his duty while in the service of Texas.

The Texan shows up in town riding a right smart horse and goes into the saloon for spirits. He ask the barkeep how far it is to the ranch and he responds back, about 10 miles.

When the Texan goes outside to start for the ranch he finds his horse gone. He returns to the bar, tell the barkeep to just leave the bottle, that if his horse hasn�t returned in 15 minutes he will be forced to do what he did at that Texas town down on the Rio Grande, that his horse had been with him for years and was like an old friend to him and that he didn�t like doing again what he did down there just to get his horse back, just wasn�t at all nice.

After a couple of drinks the Texan takes two long 45 Colts out of their hip holsters and lays them on the bar.

He reaches inside his coat and removes two short Colts from shoulder holsters. From the small of his back he removes another Colt. From one boot he removes another Colt and from the other boot a long Bowie.

From each coat side pocket he removes a derringer and from each arm he removes a hide out derringer. From the inside of his hat he removes another short Colt. He then says, while checking each gun to be sure they are loaded, nope, didn�t like what I had to do in that town at all but it needed to be done, no way around it, none at all. Only 13 minutes left before I have to do it.

The men in the bar decide that something must be done and done quickly. They locate his horse on the edge of town and the man with it says he found it and was just returning the animal to town to seek the owner. The men don�t believe him and string him up just outside the bar along with a couple of other drifters.

When the 15 minutes are up the Texas picks up all his hardware and goes outside and there�s his horse. The Texas says I�m sure glad to see that horse because I sure didn�t want to do here what I had to do back there in Texas. By the way, from the looks of those three men It looks like you folks don�t waste time with legal procedures, best to cut them down before they go rank.

As he starts to ride off one of the men asked just what did he do back there in Texas. The Texan looks down at the man and says, this horse gets loose ever now and then, he�s real good at undoing the leather, that time back in Texas I had to walk 10 miles back to the ranch to catch him, didn�t like doing that at all, not at all.

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Like a Joey
This Texan moves to Australia, starts a ranch, gets married and has 7 kids, the first being a boy.

On his first born son�s 17th. birthday he decides to take the kid into town and find him a working woman that can turn the kid into a man.

Sure enough he finds one and she takes the kid up to her room. She tells him to get ready for a real good time while she retires to the ladies room to make ready.

The father hears this noise out in the street and goes out along with other town folks to investigate. There they see his son throwing all the furniture out the window and the father yells up asking his son what the tar he�s doing.

The son yells back that the lady told him to get ready for a real good time and he figured if she was anything like a joey they were going to need all the space there was in that small room.

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Talking Horse for Sale
This cowboy sees a sign in front of a livery stable, "Talking Horse for Sale."

He knocks on the owner's door and the owner answers and tells him the horse is in the back lot.

The guy goes into the back lot and sees a wore-out old horse standing there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the horse replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The horse looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the South win the war, so I told Jefferson Davis about my gift, and in no time he had me trotted around from battle field to battle field, sitting in planning tents with spies, General Officers and such, cause no one figured a horse would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for five years running. They trotted me around, for many miles for sure, and really tuckered me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job near the southern entry ports to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

I ended gitting me some fillies, and sired a mess of colts, and now I'm just retired."

The man is just absolutely amazed. He goes back into the stable and asks the owner what he wants for the horse.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This horse is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a damn liar."

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Have You Found Jesus?
Ol Tex is on his way to the ranch after spending all night at the Long Branch and is totally smashed. As he gets to the river he notices a group of people gathered around. The local preacher is baptizing people in the river.

Ol Tex starts his horse in their direction to get a better look. As he reaches the preacher he falls off his horse...The preacher turns and grabs Ol Tex and asks him "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

Ol Tex answers "Sure."

Upon that the preacher grabs ol Tex and dunks him under the water and then pulls him up and asks "have you found Jesus?"

Ol Tex says "no" so the preacher dunks him again and asks him "have you found Jesus?"

Again Tex says "no" so this time the preacher dunks him and holds him under for almost a full minute and then brings him to the surface and again asks him "Have you found Jesus?"

This time ol Tex coughs and hacks and spits up some water and says,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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Cactus Cowboy
A cowboy was riding thru the desert when he thought he heard someone calling for help. The sound was low and far off, but he turned his horse in that direction to see what it was. After a while, he came to a enormous patch of cactus. There was some of every kind of spiny plant that ever grew in that patch. There was also a set of clothes neatly folded on the ground nearby.

"Help!" came the voice again, and the cowboy saw a hat moving in the middle of the cactus patch.

"Hang on!" the cowboy replied, and threw the loop of his lariat around the hat. The man under the hat grabbed the rope, and the cowboy took a dally around his saddle horn, then pulled the poor fellow out of the cactus patch. He was some surprised to see that the man was not wearing anything except the hat.

"How on earth did you get into such a mess?" the cowboy asked.

"Well, I came riding by here a while ago, and I took off all my clothes except my hat, and dove in." the man said.

"Why would you do something like that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," the man replied, "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

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Cowboy Bravado
Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his "manhood".

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Mare Gas
I bought a mare that converts 90 percent of what she eats to gas. Old Dave, my farrier, set to work shoeing her. He got her left hind hoof all trimmed down, fit the shoe on, hammered it down and snipped the nails off. He put her foot down and stretching, got out the makings of a cigarette, and started rolling one.

Well, that old gal had been really polite and held it all in. Just when old Dave struck a match to light up, she let fly a tremendous methane discharge which promptly exploded with a drawn out WHOOMP!

There went old Dave's eyebrows and set his mustache on fire. It also set the mare's tail on fire!

She didn't like the feel of that and started whippin old Dave with the blazing stub of her tail which set his shirt to smoldering and put little spits of fire up past his collar into his hair.

I yelled out,"Dave your shirts on fire!" At the same time, the mare had decided that old Dave was the cause of her grief so she humped her back and kicked him with both hind feet. That at least moved him a solid ten feet and when he got his feet under him, old Dave kept running with his shirt smoking until he cleared a five foot fence and landed in the horse trough with a sizzle.

By this time, I'm rolling around on the ground laughing so hard I'm hurtin.

Old Dave comes stompin up wet and bedraggeled and says, "What in tarnation is so all fired funny?"

I choke out,"Dave I just can't wait to see what happens when you shoe the other hoof!"

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A Feather Means?
Young cowgirl moves into town from the ranch and gets a job as a reporter for the local Dusty Gulch Gazette.

She decides to write a series of articles on Indian customs and traditions so she finds an old Indian man in town who can interpret the language, hitches up the buckboard and takes the interpreter out to the hills where the Indians live.

They soon come upon an Indian man who is wearing one feather in an arm band.

She asks what the single feather means. The interpreter asks the Indian brave what the single feather means and he is told that the one single eagle feather means that he has made love to one and only one woman in his live � his wife. This is his sign that he is a faithful husband.

A short time later they encounter another brave with a feather on each arm attached to an arm band

She asks what the two armbands each with a feather means. The interpreter asks the Indian brave what the two eagle feathers means and he is told that the one single eagle feather on his left arm meant that he had made love to only one woman � his wife, but that she had died of white mans smallpox and that recently he had re-married and the single eagle feather on his right arm meant that he had been faithful to his second wife. Two wives � two feathers on different arms. Again the sign of a faithful husband.

The young cowgirl reporter was really impressed with this system the Indians used to display their marital fidelity to their wives and was discussing how interesting and impressive it was with the interpreter when the war chief of the tribe walked out from behind his tepee.

This young chief had on a full war bonnet with a trail of eagle feathers draped so long on his back it drug the ground. Each arm of his war shirt was decorated with eagle feathers and the pant legs on his buckskins were decorated with eagle feathers. He carried a tomahawk that had eagle feathers on it and his rifle had eagle feathers attached to it.

The young cowgirl reporter remarked �Oh! Look � I bet all those feathers really have a great significance for this war chief.

The interpreter looked at her with a funny look and said �Yes, he srewem� anything�

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Woman and the Gypsy
When the travelling medicine show came to Toostone, with it was a gypsy woman selling potions and reading palms.

Well, Bottles' wife, being the curious sort, sneaked off to visit this fortune teller of repute. In a dark and hazy tent, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Mrs Bottles stared at the gypsy's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and finally asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

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Wisdom of the Navaho
A homesick and lonely cowboy is riding his horse through Northern Arizona on his way back to the ranch when he sees an old Navajo man walking along the trail. Because the ride had been so long and quiet, he stops beside the Navajo Indian and asks him if he would like to ride along for a spell. The Indian climbs on behind. After stopping and making camp, the two sit near the fire and begin some small talk. The cowboy notices the Navajo man glancing surreptitiously at a bottle sticking out of one of the saddle bags laying beside the him.

"If you're wondering what's in the saddle bag," offers the cowboy, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my woman."

The old Indian man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

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Make Horse Laugh
Cowboy walks into the saloon and orders a drink. He sees a horse that's tied up with a sign hangin' above that says, " make horse laugh win $50.00".

The cowpoke says to the bartender, "I'd like to try to win that $50.00."

The bartender says "have at it".

The cowboy whispers in the horse's ear and suddenly the horse laughs like crazy. The bartender is dumfounded as is everyone else in the saloon and pays him his $50.00

Next day cowboy comes in the saloon sees another sign above the horse," make horse cry win $50.00".

Cowboy says "I'd like to try to win that $50.00."

Bartender says "have at it".

Cowboy whispers in horses ear and then discreetly shows the horse his private part. The horse starts crying. The bartender dumbfounded again pays the cowboy and asks how he made the horse laugh then cry.

Cowboy says, "Well yesterday I told him my private part was bigger than his and he laughed.

Today I showed him!

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Prospector in a Bordello
A prospector walks into a bordello,straight past a cowboy at the bar and up to the madam. He drops a poke full of gold dust on the bar. He then tells the Madam that the entire sum is hers if his instructions are followed to the letter.

First-he wants the dirtiest,dustiest room in the place.

Second- he wants a bath,but no hot water.

Third- he wants a chicken dinner-but leave some of the feathers on,burnt on the outside and raw on the inside.

Fourth-he wants the homeliest woman in the place,and she is to be instructed not to say anything nice to nor about him;nor is she to show much interest in anything he says.

So,the Madam nods her agreement and the prospector heads off up the staircase.

The Madam turns to the cowboy-"for that kind of money he could've had steak and my best girl!"

Cowboy replies-"Reckon he's jist homesick....

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A Texan and His Boots
A lady goes into a Waco bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has on the biggest boots she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if he's a Texan if it's true what they say about Texas men with big feet. The cowboy says, Yes I am and it sure is true! Why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not, and spends the night with him. The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.

Blushing, he says, "Nobody has ever paid me for my services before.I'm flattered."

The woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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The Gunfighter
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young Cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate, and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized and elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the 'Fastest Gun in the West' in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the Cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Nope," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

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Buffalo Come
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are out riding the range. The Lone Ranger asks Tonto to scout around, see who's about. Tonto hops down off of Scout, puts his ear to the ground, and listens for a minute. When he stands up, the Lone Ranger asks, "Yes, Tonto? What have you learned?"

Tonto answers, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger says, "Tonto, that's amazing! Just by putting your ear to the ground, you're able to discover the habits of the buffalo! Tell me, how do you know that 'buffalo come?"

Tonto replies, "Ear sticky."

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Blonde and the Herd
A old cowpoke was riding the range herding his cattle to market when a young attractive lady rode up in a buckboard.

�Howdy Mam!� � Said the cowpoke, �What can I do for you today�

She says �I�m here to win a bet with my brother. He is always telling stories about how dumb women are especially blond headed women. As you can see I�m a natural brunette but those stories of his just really make me mad. The other night he said that women shouldn�t be on a cattle drive because they were too dumb to count the heard. I came out here this morning and have been watching you bring this heard of beef through the canyon and I counted them.�

�I�ll bet you� she continued �that I can give you an accurate count of your heard and if you will bet me one small baby calf if I give you an accurate count - I�ll take that calf back to prove I am right and shut my borther up once and for all.�

So the old cowboy said �That sounds right interesting Mam, just how many head do you think is in this herd�

The brunette replied �1,348�.

The old cowboy said �Honey you are right on the count � pick you out a calf and you can be on your way.�

After she loaded the animal in the buckboard and had it tied down the old cowboy said � �Mam � I�d like a wager with you. I think you dye your hair. If I told you that I think you are really a natural blonde could I have my dog back.�

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One Liners
Okay, lady. You shot it, and that makes it YOUR deer. Just let me get my saddle off it first.

Mrs. Tony Tinhorn, "Jokes are better if you get them."

Lawyer: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice that I sent to yer attorney?"
Cowboy: "Nope. I always dress this here's way."

Lawyer: "Doc, please explain ta this here fine upstandin jury how many autopsies has ya performed on dead people?"
Doc: "All of em."

Horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks him "Why the long face?"

What is long and hard on a cowboy?....The third grade.

A Texas virgin is a girl who can outrun all her brothers.

First liar ain't got a chance!

Did you hear about the Native American that couldn't tell heads from tails? He brought back the dammest looking scalp you ever did see.

Did you hear about the gay cowboy who wore taffeta chaps? He got arrested for rustling...

Remember son: You can pick your nose and you pick your friends; but you can't wipe your friends on your saddle horn.

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Poems

Darksider
When the people in the crowd start to choke and gag
And the scorer puts his kerchief �ore his face
And the sunlight gets blocked out like a thunderstorm�s about
Now you know, pard, you are really in your place.

The spotters start to puke
And they yell �Hey ain�t you the Duke�
And children start to run for momma�s skirts.
Don�t stop now my pard, just turn over that next card
Cock that hogleg and knock that steel down in the dirt.

By now no one can breathe
the next posse has started to grieve
they yell and scream and cough and shoot wider
But you don�t give a damn, keep a blastin� like a man
Cause now you know you really are a Darksider.

Tennessee Hoss
September 25, 2001

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